was as close to the truth as any other and I have hence adopted

it as a stock response. It is, however, the second question that I find

more interesting and difficult

to articulate.

I don’t believe marriages are made in heaven, although I acknowledge it is one of those assertions that can neither be proved nor disproved. I have chosen to believe that things are not preordained and that I have at least some degree of freewill, from which follows my belief that if or whom I marry is ultimately my choice. Believing otherwise would render both, and many other, questions somewhat moot.  

Work on it

My type is one who is not only attractive but who also likes and works to be more attractive. Both looks and personality shape attractiveness and while personality carries more weight, looks are important too. There are a couple of reasons some people brush aside the importance of looks. One, which I can understand and sympathise with, is that for some people, personality is much more important. Another, which I take issue with, is that looks are associated with luck and considered shallow. Many believe one is either born with good looks or without. This is a myth that needs to be debunked.    

There is a correlation between a beautiful face and good looks but it is not a causal relationship. Many national and international celebrities have far from what I would call a beautiful face; yet they have great looks. Looks depend more on presentation, which is a matter of effort. Figure, hairstyle, makeup, cleanliness, outfits, etc. determine looks to a great extent, all of which can be improved. Of course, not everyone has the means or the need to enhance their looks to the same extent that celebrities do but the point is that anybody can significantly improve their looks by putting in effort.  

Not just skin deep

Another myth, harboured by another section of the population, is that looks, especially for women, are the be-all-end-all. If what one wants is a fling, good looks will probably suffice but not if one wants a durable relationship. Looks may be more important to spark the initial attraction but personality determines whether the flame keeps burning.

Fortunately, unlike looks, personality is something almost everybody values, even outside the context of attracting a mate and hence, are more receptive to the idea of improving it. Personality, for me, is mostly a combination of age-old virtues—some traditionally feminine, like kindness, humility and receptiveness, some masculine, like courage, confidence and assertiveness, and some neutral like honesty, diligence and restraint. Some of these, like assertiveness and

receptiveness or confidence and humility or seriousness and playfulness are conflicting traits; however, balance is key. Achieving balance, or anything for that matter, is no doubt easier said than done but it can be done.  In fact, the desire and effort to cultivate these virtues and strike a balance between conflicting ones are in themselves great personality traits.   

Against all odds

Looks and personality are fine, but what about caste, class, age, education, cultural and political values? All these are important factors and deserve separate articles. Here, I will only say that they are not decisive factors for me. They are important only to the extent that they affect compatibility. In fact, I feel if two people are willing to enter into a relationship, despite differences in these factors, the relationship may have greater chances of success.

To sum up, looks and personality are both important for overall attractiveness and both can be improved considerably. Yes, some people are born with an advantage, but the advantage is neither huge nor permanent. The desire and effort to enhance one’s looks and personality are as alluring as good looks and personality.

Acharya is a Kathmandu-based researcher