Our Emperor is now in China, hoping to enjoy some dumplings while he is on a week-long vacation. I think our so-called leaders only want to join politics because they can take a foreign trip now and then, and waste our taxpayers’ money while hanging out with bideshis which rarely brings any benefit to the nation.

Last year, our national comedian KP Oli was in China for a week where he signed a 10-point deal. A year later, our magician is back in the mainland to curry favour with the Chinese. Hope he has brought some gifts from back home to impress them!

The Chinese must be tired of having to deal with a new Prime Monster every other year. Our incompetent government tells us that we won’t be signing any new deals with China this time. Our Emperor will be in the land of the Last Emperor to clear misunderstanding with our chhimeki and work to implement the past agreements instead.

Our government has failed to make any progress on the agreements signed last year and our Emperor tells us that he will use his magic tricks to create a ‘trustworthy environment’ with the Chinese. Will our Emperor perform in a Chinese Opera? Or will he take the Chinese leaders out on a night of drinks and Karaoke and sign songs in Mandarin and impress the comrades there?

So how will our Emperor clear the misunderstandings between the two nations? We don’t know but he and his spouse should first take a crash course on diplomatic protocol and etiquette to at least show the Chinese that we do have style and know how to carry ourselves in foreign lands.

Where are our Ministry of Foreign Affairs (MoFA) folks? Instead of talking with former Prime Monsters, ministers and other so-called experts, our Prime Monster should have spent a day at the MoFA and learn some tips and tricks to flatter the Chinese.

The Chinese communist leaders all tend to wear black suit, white shirt and dye their hair black. And no, we have yet to see any comrades wearing the ‘Mao’ suit these days. So, even if our Emperor is a Maoist, the Chinese really don’t care. Mao is still the great leader there but the Chinese Communist Party has moved on. Maybe, our Emperor should just drop the ‘Mao’ tag and call himself a ‘Chinese Communist’ and could win some brownie points from our chhimeki!

Our Emperor should have purchased at least a few black suits, dyed his hair and moustache pitch black before heading to China. Our Foreign Ministry wallahs should also have taught a few lines of Mandarin to our Emperor. At least, when meeting China’s top leaders, he could blurt out some memorised lines in Mandarin like ‘I am glad to be here’ and ‘Please give me some dough to win elections so that I can pay back the favour in the future’ or just plain ‘hello’!

We should also kindly request Sita Auntie not to paltey-kushing on a sofa when meeting world leaders unless you are teaching the other head of state some yoga techniques. And to always smile for the camera and nod your head in agreement when someone is speaking to you even though you have no idea what the other person is saying. 

And when it comes to handshakes, our Emperor should not go for the ‘Trump’ style where you grab the other person’s hand and suddenly pull him or her towards you as if you are saving someone from drowning. Our Emperor’s handshake is a little different. He grabs the other person’s hand and starts shaking it vigorously without letting to go for quite some time. That’s not right either, unless it’s your old friend from Rampur Campus and he owes you the Two Rupees you lent him back in the day. 

Just shake Xi’s hand firmly, look him in the eye, smile, tell him that you want to kiss his ass so that you can get some funds for your party and let go.

Our Emperor will fit pretty well in China. The Chinese love banquets and drinking and our Emperor should enjoy a bottle of Baijiu in one go. He should also bring home a bottle or two and place it in his collection along with other bideshi raksis! Yes, our man needs a break and why not waste our taxpayers’ money by visiting a foreign land while ignoring the tasks at hand at home? 

We hear that he will meet with the Chinese Emperor Xi for less than 15 minutes. Well, we all get our 15 minutes of fame, don’t we?  What will our Emperor do to impress Xi in quarter of an hour? Nothing. Xi will tell through his interpreter that China wants peace, progress and development. Our Emperor will nod his head and tell Xi that all is well is in our land. 

But our chhimekis know better. Instead of peace, our politicians are sharing a piece of the loot among themselves. Instead of progress, we are moving backwards and let us not be surprised if we go back to the 24 kingdoms in a decade or two. And let us not even talk about development. We buy electricity from India. We spend more than Rs 13 in imports for each Rupee we export. Our incompetent government can’t even work out with the Chinese to open our borders. We don’t even let our own folks develop our hydropower sector. Our politicians and bureaucrats have bled this country dry. When will we all come together and stop the bleeding? 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at [email protected]