Gone with the wind
May 30, 2018-
I walk.The light projected by the tungsten lamps exudes a sense of harmony. Everything is calm. The leaves of the trees float, lost with the mockery of air. Down the street, you can see the light that illuminates the pitch darkness. There are fallen twigs and leaves down the street and a sweet aroma of spring is spreading all over. Everywhere you see, everywhere you feel; you see and feel peace. A calming silence resonates with every object. There is a collision between something static and dynamic, dissolving each other into something that is pure and something that barely exist; that has never been there.
I am walking silently, mindful of not disturbing the harmony of the things around me. There is a gentle smile on my face as my senses soak in the world. I swing the cigarette towards my lip and feel a tinge of intoxication. Now the air gives off the perfect blend of smoke and the sweet aroma of spring. I can nearly taste the air around me.
Slowly I make my way. I take each step precisely. In the brisk walk of semi-consciousness I cannot help thinking about her. She has a soulful smile, a silent voice, a mystical face and an appealing eye. She walks with little steps yet it jolts all of my senses. She passes like a gentle wind that roams around me even when she is gone, even when she is out of sight. We have exchanged smiles a few times but never dared to exchange words. She feels like everything that I could have ever imagined in my dreams. I have tried to sketch all of her tiniest details into paper from time to time but have never succeeded. She is my complete obsession.
Then, out of nowhere, she comes along reaching out for my hand. Her footsteps synchronise with mine. She is silent, without a word. We walk along.
The silence breaks when she asks me to have a look at the moon above. I glance at the moon. It looks beautiful. A huge spherical giant is up above and here we are, the tiniest of thing compared to the moon yet trapped by the gravity, unable to float and unable to fly. Here, we are attached to the places and the faces. She addresses how beautiful it is to look up at the sky. I stare at the stars and then into her eyes. Slowly I lose all my senses; my vision blurs. I feel like I am floating, as if I am one of those stars or the moon. There I stand amazed by how my entire universe is starting to converge as I look into her eyes.
Now, all I see feels so surreal; I am puzzled by how I see everything, but feel nothing. I picture a complete numbness covering me.
Now all of a sudden when I try to feel my being, I find that I am no longer there. I feel no me. There is no her, no roads, no lights, no moon, no stars, nothing. I hear myself screaming as loud as I can but all in vain. It feels as if I was never there. I was never neither living nor dead. I was nothing.
I loved her. I really did. I love her even of now. Nevertheless, there is this strange thing--how your feelings slowly die and shift from one person to another. The attraction that felt so deep and ecstatic imperceptibly fades away in the air. It’s strange how your heart that once skipped a beat for someone easily seems to forget the bitter chills that goes through the spine when they are gone with time.
Dhakal is a MBBS student at BPKIHS Dharan
Published: 30-05-2018 08:27