Dilemma of a confused loser

- Prajwal Pradhan

Dec 26, 2018-

When I heard the word ‘loser’ for the first time, I asked myself, “What is a loser?” and not “Who is a loser?” I often find myself debating between these two questions in my head. I asked my friend, “What are you?” he said, “I am a man”. I asked him again, “Who are you?” and he replied, “I am a man, you crazy!” I didn’t want to offend him. That was probably the simplest question but with a difficult answer.

I think there are two things that make a loser, the frequency of “I can do it” and “I can’t do it”. We all walk a thin line where we shuffle these phrases with various activities in our lives. Sometimes, or most times for some people, this diffidence then turns into a habit of procrastination. I try not to be that person.

I am a positive person and full of can-do attitude but sometimes procrastination pulls me down. But it is not just the procrastination; it has to do with my confidence as well. I feel pretty confident until it is my time to perform. Then I am overpowered by either lack of confidence or overconfidence.

Then there is an issue with distraction. I always tell myself that I will scroll through Facebook for 15 minutes before studying. But that never happens. I keep scrolling through the pages after pages in social media and then lose all my time. I can no longer accomplish what I had wanted to.

Therefore, sometimes I feel like I’m a flute. I am hollow, made out of wood, brass, bones, nickels or iron. I am holed. And it’s on me to blow it and make a music out of it.

When I am stuck in between winning and losing, I find myself questioning myself, “What am I doing? Is it worth it? Am I capable?” I see a lot of intertwined network ahead of me. Is this what I want after all the phases I have been through? To be honest, being a student of engineering often makes me question, “Is engineering my field?” Not that I am afraid to lose or maybe I am afraid to admit that I am afraid of losing. But whatever, I try pursuing literature, writing and sometimes cooking. In the end, being a loser is probably an excuse. I try not make excuses and blow my flute even though I don’t know if I can make good music. I believe that someday I will figure out my tune.

- Pradhan is an undergraduate student at Institute of Engineering, Pulchowk

Published: 26-12-2018 08:32

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