Fiction Park

Clamouring through the same pain

- Kantilata Thapa, Kathmandu

Jun 2, 2019-

You left no words. You don’t even give me a single word to speak. Everything might be very easy and simple for you but it is not for me.

Why don’t you understand my love? Why are you so cruel? Why does nothing touch you?

Am I not deserving? I have never asked for anything more than your love. Am I not that pretty? Am I not attractive for you? What else do you need from me? Why must I always beg for your love?

Am I the only one who doesn’t get love in return?

People say true love is when you don’t expect anything in return. But I expect more and more from you. I don’t know exactly what is running through your mind. You are like a changing weather. Sometimes, you come like a shining sun but just go away, leaving cloudy darkness all around my gloomy heart. Why don’t you understand there will be no sunshine again, until you lighten up. I have lots of questions to ask you. Why this? Why that? I know I will end up with no answer.

Why can’t I accept the fact that you don’t even care for me? Why does it hurt me more than anything else? Why do I hurt myself more, even though your cruel heart never listens to my selfless love?

With this monologue, tears rolled gradually from Ankita’s eyes all the way to her cheeks, finally landed into the pillow where they dissolved. Nowadays, there is no charm in Ankita’s behaviour. She speaks nothing but her mind, but her heart speaks more. There is no doubt she loves unconditionally. But, is this the love that she is really waiting for? Does all loving hurt and does everyone have to go through the same situation as Ankita? Why does it seem she has to suffer more? She is still troubled about whether such depths of trouble are felt by all. The ocean of tears slowly dries up, but she is entangled within herself. She is searching out loud for happiness. It isn’t necessary to tell everyone the truth of her feelings for the man, but she wants to roar about it. The battle inside her is between her heart and mind.

Everyday she wakes up she motivates herself to do better, to fly high. She searches for happiness, satisfaction, but finally ends up stuck with ridiculous emotions which never let her go. If this love is only meant to make her suffer, it’s better to leave it completely. The main problem is that she can’t. He was engraved in her mind, her nerves and dreams. He won’t leave her easily. He always follows her everywhere and haunts her dreams. He is her passion, preoccupation, and whatever other words can be used to describe obsession.

She would feel like the luckiest girl of all, if she were to get his love in return. No one knows when it is going to end, but Ankita’s torment of feeling will never end easily. She thinks of that man perpetually—every minute, every second. She always waits for him. She gets scared, frightened, when he ask ssomething. Love exists everywhere between every creature, but why does she have to make her love so special?

She is totally sick inside. Her emotions are killing her slowly. She asks for nothing more than love.

He is becoming her habit. She ignored him for a very long time because she already knew she couldn’t help herself from falling for him. She was afraid she might be broken once more, what if she got pranked again? Literally, if something wrong happens this time, she will never be the same. She will be completely crushed.

People have completed their journey miles away, they have gone so far, rushing to do their best and achieve a comfortable life, but she still sits there. She sits there, holding back painful memories of him. She tries every possible way to pull herself from the melancholy, but nothing works. She wants to show how much she loves him, how much she cares for him, but there is no point. Does he really care about her? It is the biggest question she asks herself every night before sleep. Nowadays she suffers from insomnia. If this love is only meant to hurt her daily, why is she still there standing, waiting?

Now, she realises loving him is like throwing stones in the dark. If she aims to hit love, she will only fail and suffer, and it’s better she leaves. She will never love him again. Never. She hates him. She doesn’t even want to think about him. She never wants to see his face again. She hates the word love. She wants to be happy and satisfied. She promises herself she would never be emotional again.

 

Published: 02-06-2019 10:57

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