Print Edition - 2015-06-13  |  On Saturday

Credit for a constipated constitution

- Guffadi
Credit for a constipated constitution

Jun 12, 2015-

Our four major circus companies have managed to seal a 16-point deal over doodh chiya and biskoots to make way for delivering us a new constitution. Our clowns have wasted seven years on useless squabbling and fighting over who gets to loot more when they could have wrapped up the whole thing within nine months of the first Constipated Assembly (CA).  I think they should only serve Espresso in Baluwatar. Then our leaders can be more alert and settle things quickly instead of the usual nataks of meeting at resorts and late-night drinking sessions.

The 16-point deal was signed by our hermit PM SuKo on behalf of the Kangaroos, our comedian KhaPo on behalf of the United Mundrey Leaders, our Emperor, PuKaD, on behalf of the Mao Inc and BiGa on behalf of only a few Madhesi leaders.

SuKo wants to show his Sukeko ko Bal and take credit for giving us the constitution on his watch. I think itís time for our hermit to leave Baluwatar for Banaras. Instead of playing football he should be a wandering hermit. Itís time to relax and spend your days swimming in the Ganges. Well, it would have been better if he ended his political career by swimming in the Bagmati, but just picking up trash ain’t enough, unless we manage the sewage flowing in the holy river. Maybe SuKo could head the ‘Bagmati Clean-Up Campaign’ until the day we can all swim in the river. We the people wonít remember who gave us a constipated constitution but we will be thankful and pay tribute to the one who gave us back our Bagmati.

KhaPo wants to be the man in Baluwatar after SuKo leaves for Banaras. And even though he too is not in good health, he wants all of us to know that he has enough verbal firepower to move this country forward.  

KhaPo has lots of mundreys under his wing and they will probably get to have fun even if KhaPo has to monitor his diet for health reasons. His near and dear ones will be free to loot the state treasury. KhaPo has been hungry for all these years to sit on the thulo kurchi. It wonít be a day-long buffet for his cronies, though. It will be a never-ending feast until the next person barges into Baluwatar. Let KhaPo have some fun and let him misuse his power and amass more ill-gotten wealth. After all, greed is never too little.

Our Emperor, PuKaD Man wants to be our President and then order the military to perform daily parades in the Presidentís House. After all, he still has some issues with our men in green. I think we should call it the ëPresidential Palaceí once our Emperor moves in. Our current President Ramu Dai loves to drink buffalo milk with some namkeen. Our next President will save us a few litres of milk per week by only drinking bideshi whiskey.

And once again, BiGa, who has some resemblance to some hip-hop artist in New York wants to be our Home Minister again. After all, Home is where the dough is. You get to transfer honest cops to remote districts while sending corrupt cops to money-making places. He has been our Home Minister before and he will do great for the country by making sure that this time around, he gets to appoint his own lackey to head the police force when the current chief retires. Then he can make a music video for his private collection, displaying his bling and throwing a few karod rupees around when the new IGP begins his tenure. The only thing our Brother BiGa says when he opens his big mouth is, ‘Show Me the Money!’

Our jokers have agreed on the division of eight provinces but the names and borders can be decided later on by armed underground militant outfits or through SMS voting, whichever is easier or tolerable. Our incompetent government plans to form a commission to decide on the issues regarding the provinces. Yes, let us have one more commission and the report will gather dust instead of the suggestions being put to good use. After all, we have had hundreds of commissions since the Kangaroos began their looting spree in the 90s. 

Our four major crime families have also agreed to go for a parliamentary system. There goes the Maoist idea of having a President like the Amrikans who has the right to declare war against all life forms but can’t do squat in his own country. Well, we won’t be invading anyone anytime soon unless Baidya Ba becomes our President, which won’t be happening anytime soon either. 

We will have 275 clowns in the lower house and 45 members in the upper house.  Our male chauvinist pigs have only offered one-third of the seats for women. Why not have all 100 percent women in the upper house instead? Yes, we will have most of the corrupt clowns in the lower house anyway. Let’s have our mothers, sisters, wives and girlfriends making sure that the clowns don’t get away with everything.  

It’s great that our corrupt parasites have agreed to at least give children citizenship under the mother’s name as well. Let us hope in the future that once we are done with the constitution, our Home Ministry and the corrupt CDOs won’t give us excuses to deny the rights to those seeking citizenship under the mother’s name.

Let us also hope that our clowns will be able to bring Kamal Dai and other Madhesi and Janjati parties along for the ride. After all, we need our clowns on the same page. Offer them boras of cash or whatever makes them happy. Baidya Ba should keep quiet if he gets a life-time supply of raksi and some sitan.

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Published: 13-06-2015 09:37

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