The World Happiness Report is out and it seems that we are much happier than the Desis. That calls for another round of celebration for all of us. No matter what, be it the earthquake or the blockade, we Nepalis can drink more than the Irish and the Polish combined. Every Saturday is St Patrick’s Day for our politicians, civil servants and contractors!

Maybe the folks preparing the report just added the ‘happiness’ formula right after we beat India in football in the recent South Asian Games. We know that we can’t beat the Bhutanese on the ‘happiness’ rankings because they are the ones who came up with the ‘Gross National Happiness’ natak in the first place. And of course, you too will be happy when your neighbours are thrown out of the country and you get to have their land!

But to find out that the Pakistanis are happier than us means that they can stand just about anything. The Pakistanis have to deal with both domestic and foreign terrorists every other day and they still seem to be happier than us. We need to send someone there and find out what makes them happy and apply it here.

I think the bideshis coming out with such ‘happiness’ jokes should first live in our country for at least a year and experience shortages of everything before ranking us in their ‘whatever’ index they come up with. But of course, most of the so-called bideshi consultants who come in our land should consider themselves lucky because if you are white, drive around in a blue-plate vehicle then you can get away with anything in this land.

If you are a Nepali and you are walking home from work at midnight, you are certain to get harassed by our cops. But if you are a Bideshi and you are dead drunk and literally crawling to your apartment at two in the morning, the cops will either escort you home or will ignore you, mostly because they can’t carry out conversations in a language other than Nepali.

We are happy that our incompetent government has done nothing to rebuild the districts affected by the earthquake. It’s been almost a year and maybe our government is waiting for another big one so that the damaged buildings that are still standing now will be completely demolished and they can save some money on demolition jobs. But of course, whatever is saved is then siphoned off in this land. If you want to know more about fake bills then you can just ask our former APF IGP sahebs. These thulo man       cheys should speak up and tell all of us how much they are getting paid to be the chief. Why are they scared to name names? Why is that only our civil servants and contractors get  to face the music while our politicians never get caught?

We are more than happy that we had to face six months of border blockade. We were very happy to pay six times more for a cylinder of cooking gas and three times more for fuel. Some of us even wanted to go back in time and feel the spirit of our ancestors by using firewood to cook food.

And now, even after the so-called blockade is over, we are still happy that we can’t seem to get a cylinder of cooking gas but we are sad that we can now get as much petrol for our cars and motorbikes than we would like to have. I guess someone should now come out with a petrol chulo because we have seen the induction and diesel stoves already.

We are also happy that our Prime Monster Oli is visiting China. He went to India and didn’t really bring anything back home. Let us hope he will bring more gift hampers from the Chinese. We have a communist PM visiting Communist China but of course the folks in Beijing really don’t give a rat’s arse about our good for nothing pickpockets.

China is communist but when it comes to trade and nearly everything else except politics, they are more capitalist than Donald Trump. And when it comes to our domestic affairs, the Chinese have long outsourced the headache to the Desis. The only thing the folks in Beijing care about is not allowing our Tibetan refugees organise concerts to celebrate the birthday of His Holiness Dalai Lama. And our Nepal Police and Home Ministry officials are very good at it as they receive chiya kharcha from the Chinese Embassy to rain laathis on Tibetan protesters every year.

Oli should first leave his Nepali Topi and Daura-Suruwal at Baluwatar. Wear a tie and suit like the Chinese and don’t forget to dye your hair black like they do. The only time you will see a politician with grey hair in China is when they are caught up in some corruption scandal and are sent to jail. I guess the Chinese jail don’t provide black dye to prisoners. Mao is no longer relevant in today’s China. Yes, you can see his posters in government offices and bank notes but nobody really wants to go back to the days of the cultural revolution.

I think it would also be better if our Emperor Prachanda got rid of the Maoist tag and renamed his party after Deng Xiaoping. Maybe then the Chinese in Beijing will give them more respect than the usual free trips and banquets for comrades. Oli should find ways to flatter the Chinese so that we can get something rather than aircrafts that fail international standards. First, congratulate China for their growing trade with India. The Desis have a trade deficit of more than fifty billion dollars. Second, congratulate Xi for going after his both tigers and flies to consolidate his power. In our land, we only go after flies while tigers get to roam around freely and make more money. And last, blame America for all the problems in the world and half the American folks for thinking the world will be a better place if Hitler Trump gets to move into the White House.

(Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at [email protected])