Our top stand-up comedian, KP Oli, has warned bideshis not to interfere in our internal affairs. He has told them to learn to respect our country’s sovereignty when it comes to our ‘daami’ constitution. Our politicians are a funny lot.

They are the ones who go around visiting bidhesis, asking for funds and begging for help to sit on the Kurchi and yet they claim that they will not bow down to the bideshis because they are fiercely nationalistic. Such patriotism, I tell you. Our politicians are only loyal to the ones who can pay them off. Their loyalty is not towards our land and the people, but to their cousins, cadres and contractors.

Our government knows very well that it neither has any carrots nor sticks, and its warning to bideshis carries no weight. The sad thing is that we neither have the nukes like the North Koreans nor oil like the sheikhs in the Middle East. If we had, then we could have threatened to nuke foreign intruders and cut off their oil supplies as well. We wouldn’t be sitting here, penniless.   

Our incompetent government is pissed that the Desis and the EU clowns want our politicians to address the disputed issues in the constitution soon. The bideshis want political stability and economic growth in our land whereas our politicians want never-ending chaos, so that they get to share power and loot the state treasury. Our clowns don’t want economic growth but want black marketers to make easy profits. The profits from such ventures are then divided among our con artists, civil servants and our clowns.

Our corrupt government tells us that such statements from the bideshis only hurts the sentiments of the Nepali people. No, it doesn’t. It only hurts the sentiments of you freeloaders. If our politicians really want the bideshis to just stay inside their embassies and host dinner parties during their Independence Day programmes, then stop accepting all the ambulances, school buses, wheel chairs and what not from the bideshis.  

If the Amrikans can give billions of dollars to the Israelis and the Pakistanis then they would be more than happy to cover our national budget if we allow them to station thousands of their troops somewhere in the middle of our country. Now that would really piss off our chimekis, wouldn’t it?  And do not ask for pennies when you can get billions! The Israelis continue to spy on the Amrikans in their own land and yet continue to get the dough. The Pakistanis really don’t want to help the Amrikans on their so-called war on terror but still get the moolah. Let us come up with something that will make the Amrikans give us billions as well!

Our government tells us, and the world, that they are fully capable of resolving the disputed issues in the constitution on their own. Yes, that’s why we had the so-called blockade. And all that while, our government had their hands cuffed.

Now, our great Madhesi warrior Rajendra Mad Hatter has warned our government that there will be protest programmes after Nepali New Year but this time it will be Singha Durbar-centric and not around the borders. Finally, our Madhesi warriors have seen the light. Our ruling clowns in the capital will not budge until our protesters come to the valley and gherao Singha Durbar and Baluwatar. Yes, let the rumble begin. Please carry out the Baluwatar Blockade for six months. It will only then dawn on our Prime Monster how difficult it is to survive without cooking gas or fuel.

Even Madhav Nepal, our former Prime Monster has joined the ‘warning’ game.

Nepal has warned Oli that he will travel across the country and tell the CPN-UML cadres about Oli’s habit of only embracing his near ones while ignoring the other factions of his political party.

Why is Nepal crying now? Our politicians may not be good at anything but they do know how to form their own party within the mother party. All political parties have different factions fighting with each other for no apparent reason. It is no wonder our political parties tend to split every winter.

Even Kamal Thapa doesn’t want to be left behind. He has warned that he will not rest until this country once again becomes a ‘Hindu’ state and have a King at Narayanhiti Palace. Kamal Dai, please enjoy your power while you can. Make as much moolah as you want. And then stick to tennis. This man could be the world’s veteran tennis champ if he devoted as much energy to his tennis game as he does to be the next King of Nepal, but stop wasting your energies in phantoms.

Well, the SLC exams is here. Oli should have wished all our SLC candidates best of luck but he didn’t. Oli is only SLC pass. He should be made the patron saint for all our SLC wallahs. But of course, there won’t be any SLC exams in a few years. And Oli will then have to pass 10+2 if he wants to be a saint, for high school students at least.