Spilling the beans

  • agonyaunt

Apr 4, 2017-

Dear Aunt, 

I and my best friend had a falling out recently that is causing me a lot of stress. We fell out earlier this month and from what I’ve been hearing, she has been spreading a lot of rumours behind my back. We used to be very close, so naturally she is in on a lot of my secrets—secrets that I am now afraid that she might spill to the world. I have become so paranoid that I worry about even going in to school because I don’t know what kind of backbiting is going on. The worst part is that I have to face her every single day, and the smirk she now seems to perpetually carry on her face really bothers me. What should I do? It is not like I want to be friends with her again—I am too hurt for that—but I want my many secrets safe. I don’t want to talk to a teacher either, that would be blowing things out of proportion.

—Bitter and Angry

Dear Bitter and Angry, 

Are you sure that she has been spreading rumours behind your back or is it just an assumption? If it’s just an assumption, you need to relax. Perhaps just like you, she too is struggling with the fall out. However, if you are sure that she has been spilling all the beans, you need to confront her and demand that she stop. If she doesn’t listen to you, you need to remind her that you know as many secrets about her as she does about you and you’ll have to start spilling out her secrets too. If she still keeps threatening your privacy and letting out all your private information, worse making things up, then you have no option but to talk to your teacher or an adult confidante about the situation. When you can no more handle the situation, involvement of an adult might be important.  It’s not blowing things out of proportion.  However, make sure that you are not accusing her of something she has not done. Try to deal with this as calmly and maturely as possible. The more you react, the nastier the confrontation might get. Calmly explain to her that you have nothing to do with her, and you are just trying to part ways with respect and maturity.  Reassuring that her secrets are safe with you might help her back off a little bit and let you be.

 

Dating Narcissus

Dear Aunt, 

My girlfriend is obsessed with herself. I have been dating her for about four months now and she has always displayed a bit of vanity, but I think because we were in our ‘honeymoon’ phase of the relationship, I was turning a blind-eye to it. Now, however, it is increasingly getting on my nerves. She is a really sweet girl and is very intelligent but she is obsessed with how she looks all the time. Every time we go out, she is constantly checking herself out in mirrors, comparing herself to other women and taking oh-so-many selfies! I am tired of all these pictures appearing on Instagram, with so many filters on them that you can barely recognise who she is. What do I do? I know better than to tell her what to or not to do, but I wish we spent our time together doing more than just taking photographs of each other. I pine for mental stimulation, which I know she is capable of providing. 

—Instabored 

Dear Instabored, 

It does sound like the story of many of our lives. Social media obsession tends to take its toll on many relationships these days. If your girlfriend is a sweet and intelligent person like you claim, you should definitely sit her down and talk to her about how you have been feeling of late. Chances are very high that she hasn’t realised how obsessed she is. Good partners often make good mirrors that reflect their loved one’s strengths and weaknesses.  You need to play that role here and play it as sincerely as possible. Tell her how this obsession is going to be unhealthy for her in the long run.  Assert how her obsession instead of adding value to her life is feeding off her ego and affecting her ability to be okay with her true self.  Also remind her that she is beautiful inside out and she doesn’t need filters. She might also be struggling with her self-image, hence remind her that there are so many people who love her for who she is offline. If you can have a good conversation where you two can speak your hearts out and listen to one another, you’ll make progress. If she refuses to understand and makes it impossible for you to explain, you need to address the fact that you are not compatible and that you might as well move on from the relationship. 

Published: 04-04-2017 08:29

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