Print Edition - 2017-04-15  |  On Saturday

Nepali New Year Resolutions!

  • Maybe, it would be better if our government came up with a ‘No Bribing’ rule instead of welcoming the New Year with the ‘No Honk’ rule
- Guffadi
Yes, noise pollution is a real problem in the valley but it seems that we might hear better but we will have teary eyes and sore throats until our government finally wakes up and tells the Melamchi folks to at least temporarily pave the roads they have destroyed to lay their pipes

Apr 15, 2017-Well, here we are at 2074 Bikram Sambat and it looks like it will just be another same old year for the country and its people. Well, we have the local elections coming up and hopefully if our parasites can set aside their differences and come together for the good of this nation then we can have our provincial and general elections as well. But of course, our buffoons are very good at agreeing to disagree on everything else except those matters that will benefit them with boras of cash and state perks. 

Our Madhesi netas tell us that they will be boycotting the local elections. Our Doctor Saheb tells us that he will flex his muscles if the Election Commission does not give him his election symbol. And Hisila Didi seems to be smoking something illegal. 

Kamal Thapa is not happy either. This man will not be happy until he becomes our Prime Monster. This is the only country where political parties who are members of the ruling coalition take to the streets to protest against the government. Even our cops are confused when it comes to whether to laathi-charge or just loiter around the protest areas hoping that the protesters will go away after inhaling enough dust for a year.

Let us thank our government for welcoming the New Year with the ‘No Honk’ rule in the valley. Now, you can no longer honk at some guy on a bike who suddenly stops in the middle of the road and starts talking to his girlfriend on the phone. You cannot honk at ducks, stray dogs or even cows. So if you hit the ducks in Godavari, just make sure you have enough cash to pay for it. Stray dogs get no respect in this land and don’t ever hit our holy animal because you might have to go to jail and then hell later. The only option now is to get out of your vehicle, chase away the animals and not worry about the guy behind you honking at you till he drops dead.

But if it’s an emergency then you can honk all the way to the hospital or to Baluwatar. But our ambulances, fire engines, police vans, and of course, our security escorts for the corrupt buffoons can use their horn.  But if you, the lowly common citizen is caught honking for no apparent reason then please be prepared to pay a fine up to Rs 5,000.  

We may never be another Singapore or the United States or Switzerland but why not at least have our fines at the same rate as in those countries. If you are caught driving under the influence of alcohol then we should pay at least US$ 200 dollars which is like twenty Nepali grand. If you are caught spitting or throwing trash in the Bagmati River then pay five thousand Singaporean dollars which would be like more than most of us can afford. We should have both fines and community service system in this land of ours.

If you are caught pissing on someone’s wall then the police should make sure that the violator spends every Saturday for a year cleaning up walls in the city filled with hawatari political slogans. If you are caught throwing trash then why not collect trash around the city every weekend. And of course, pay the fine as well, spend a day or two in the jail which will also help you get rid of your sinus problems but you might go home with bed bugs and lice as well.

Our Health Minister tells us that we should all abstain from tobacco and alcohol products. And we should all regularly exercise and go for a medical checkup every year or so. That’s really great but maybe our government should work towards minimising the dust storm in the valley and creating more green spaces for us to exercise and breathe a little bit of clean air. And yes, smoking and drinking is both injurious to one’s health. Maybe we should just hike the price of these products by at least a 1,000 percent and make sure that the taxes collected will be given to the Health Ministry so that they can at least help us to provide some rebate when we go for our annual health check up.

We all know that we do seem to have the best laws in the world but our incompetent government always fails to implement them. Our traffic cops spend a month every year  telling our pedestrians to use the overhead bridge or the zebra crossings and then they stop the campaign and then we are back to walking in the middle of the street in the middle of the city.  

Yes, noise pollution is a real problem in the valley but it seems that we might hear better but we will have teary eyes and sore throats until our government finally wakes up and tells the Melamchi folks to at least temporarily pave the roads they have destroyed to lay their pipes.

Maybe, it would be better if our government came up with a ‘No Bribing’ rule as well. Any citizens caught offering bribes should be punished and sent to jail and made to work in the so-called fast track roads in the country.

And what about our civil servants and politicians who love to extort from the byaparis, seek chiya kharcha from the service seekers and work together to embezzle state funds? Well, our sarkari hakims and our lawmakers seem to be above the law. The Supreme Court tells the government to arrest the Dhungel within seven days. Let’s see if our new IGP has the guts to follow the court’s order or will he too just be another of those puppets controlled by our evil politicians? Let us all wish each other a Happy Nepali New Year and hope we will have some peace and a little bit of prosperity this coming year! 

 

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Published: 15-04-2017 08:42

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