Rock and a hard place

  • Agonyaunt

Oct 24, 2017-

 

Dear Aunt,

I am 18 years old and in love with a girl who lives very close by. The good news is that I know she’s interested in me. She’d given me her green signal some time ago. The bad news is that she is already dating somebody who happens to be my friend. I have been trying to act mature and stay away from both of them. I don’t want to be the reason for the two to fall apart. I neither want to bruise their relationship, nor do I want to bruise mine with the friend. It has been few months since I tried moving on, but I haven’t come across any other girl who makes me feel like she does. Sometimes I feel like if she and I both want each other, we should just start dating. I have gotten very close to saying it loud and asking her out. But then again I think of the friend and then recoil. I cannot move on, and I can’t decide if she is worth putting my friendship in danger. What should I do? 

—Anmin

Dear Anmin, 

Here’s the thing—18 is a crucial age and you don’t want to take huge decisions that will jeopardise your future. But 18 is also an age where you can afford to take risks which don’t come with life-threatening consequences. This is the age where you can explore and experiment, this is the age where you can take leaps without risking too much. In your case, if the girl has already given you the ‘green signal’, she is not in love with her boyfriend anymore. 

Which means, neither she, nor your friend will ever be happy in the relationship. This means that the sooner the relationship comes to an end the better it is. However, you do have to confront the girl before you confess to your friend about your feelings. Confirm whether she really likes you or you are just a happy distraction to her. Find out if she wants you as much as you want her and if she’s willing to put an end to what she shares with her boyfriend to start fresh with you. If she is willing to respectfully end things with her boyfriend and start anew with you, definitely take the leap. Time will heal the wound between you and your friend as you mature. But, if she seems unsure about you and the relationship, don’t push this. You have a whole life ahead of you and you’ll come across someone who’s absolutely sure about you. For now it might not be worth risking your friendship. 

 

Red flag

Dear Aunt,

I have been in a relationship with a guy for six months now. When he swept me off my feet, I obviously felt like he was the best man I could ever find. Initially, I only took note of his good traits—kind, honest, and protective. With time, I slowly started seeing him for who he really is—conservative, misogynist, and possessive. The ideas he has about how a relationship should work are ridiculous. He doesn’t like it when I talk back to him. He claims that a girl should be submissive and inferior to the man in the relationship. He is so possessive of me that if I smile or even look at another guy, he accuses me of being a infidel.  He keeps commenting on what I wear and there have been moments when he’s passed embarrassing remarks in public. He sometimes even raises his hand on me when he’s angry. But then again, he always apologises with big gestures when I am upset and for some reason I feel loved and wanted again. I am totally confused, should I believe in the good man he is or should I leave him because of the demon he can be? 

—RB 

Dear RB, 

From the little information you have provided, it can be said that what you share with your boyfriend is not a healthy relationship. You know exactly where the problems in the relationship are arising from and you are obviously unhappy with him, there is no reason you should try salvaging this relationship. Yes, there are times when time or situation gets the better of a person. In your boyfriend’s case the damage doesn’t seem temporary, it seems rather permanent and accounts to the values he grew up with. You are never going to be happy with a man who wants to tell you what to do and who claims that you have to be submissive. There’s a difference between being loved and being possessed. You are not an object that he owns; you are a human with a mind of your own. Leave this guy for good. When you see the signs of emotional and physical abuse in a relationship, just pack your bags and leave your partner. It might be a good idea to talk to your friends and family about what you are going through so that you get full support if the man comes running after you with big gestures of ‘love’. 

Published: 24-10-2017 08:11

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