Out of love?

Oct 16, 2018-

Dear Aunt,

I have been in a long distance relationship for three years now. At first, it was difficult and we thought we would never make it. But with time we got used to the distance and survived. Now she is coming back after all this time. I should be happy, but I feel weird. I am kind of scared. We have led a virtual relationship for the longest time now and things have changed a lot. I know she has changed and I am definitely a different person. I don’t want to meet her because I am worried that we’ll find out we don’t really know each other or that we might even dislike one another in person. What if our views and values don’t match anymore? What if we want different things out of life? What if she demands that my life revolve around her now that she’s home? Her coming home also means that I’ll have to invest a lot more time and energy on the relationship. I like the space we have at the moment. I know I have someone that I am committed to, and I know that I’ll marry her, I just want more time for myself. I shared my concerns with my friends, they think I might have fallen out of love because if I were still in love I would be on cloud nine at the moment. Do you think they are right?

—Arnab

Dear Arnab,

Your friends might be right. With so much time gone by and the distance in between, you might have fallen out of love. You probably just haven’t had the time to stop and reflect on your feelings. But you might also be feeling weird for all the reasons you just gave—you are just scared that things may not be as good as they are in your head. You are worried that she might turn out to be a different person altogether and perhaps you will not vibe so well when you meet. Your concern is valid, sometimes relationships are better when virtual. But do you also notice how these thoughts you have been getting are similar to what you feel right before you meet someone for the first time? Don’t delve too much into it. Tone down your expectations, switch off your paranoia, and just welcome her home with a warm embrace. Take this as an opportunity to redefine your relationship for better or worse. Treat this like a new relationship with a new person. Try to get to know her and let her get to know who you are and how you have evolved over the years. Sit down for long conversations to understand where she is coming from and what she looks forward to. The only way to feel better about this whole situation and to find out if you can still be in love is to give each other a chance to be honest, open and yourselves—in person. You’ll figure something out.

Published: 16-10-2018 10:01

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