Love that Refuses to Die

- KESHAB SUBEDI, Kathmandu

Dec 9, 2018-

Dear Nirlipta, 

This is not a love letter, but a synthesis of realisation. And obviously a futile attempt. This is simply a review of that mysterious communion and an anecdote of that divine but yet toppled history. You may know, a century ago Shakespeare said, “lovers cannot move ahead of time”. And even now, as you say it, true lovers are leaving the time behind. With the crazy human mind, we divided the time—the indivisible into seconds, minutes, hours, days, months and years! But dear Nirlipta, is there a way to measure the life and its pace? Can you be a little kind and let me die in peace by saying which instrument you used to measure my life and its pace and concluded that I am leaving the time behind?

Dear Nirlipta, I don’t know what’s the colour of the emotions that rule our life. But for me it’s like water. Water is always colourless and the only thing that matters is the reflection. There was a time when the sky was all blue and bright and the Pacific looked blue. But now there’s a dark cloud overhead and so has the colour of the ocean changed. And exactly like the colour of the Pacific, I am failing to understand the uncertainty of the emotions and relation. I never thought human life, relations and love can be fragile and vulnerable to this extent. 

Dear Nirlipta, my intention is not to liberate myself while burdening you with logic and rationale. But there are hundreds of unresolved questions that always come to block my path and cripple me. What is a relationship? Or what was our relationship? Or what is the intention of this time that is leading us in the route to nowhere? You, my love, are free to choose whichever the question fits you and I know you have same answer for all of these questions. 

Do relations start with a sip of coffee at airport lounge and end at the next transit when you board for a different destination? Is it possible to live this life with the last memory of one single glimpse from a boarding queue?

Dear Nirlipta, memories are all afresh. Somewhere in the dark deep corner of my heart, they rise like a storm and create turmoil of dilemma in the present. Sometimes the turmoil is hard enough to break me down. 

If you remember, it was a beautiful dusk. Darkness has just started overruling the light. Beautiful—because it was the time of all beginning without a single thought of end. Beautiful—because you were with me. Beautiful—because ‘present’ was so strong that past and future were non-existent. It was like a supreme state of meditation. It was a kind of transcendental feeling because all of a sudden the sorrows and pain of life had disappeared. I slept on your lap like a reckless innocent child. I became so addicted to that warmth that I melted in no time and was all dissolved within you. We did not speak a single word. There was no communication but a communion. I wonder what actually this affection and attraction means? Is this a symphony of fusion of cells, tissue and soul of two bodies? We talk a lot about this. But the emotional, chemical and physical reaction behind it is beyond comprehension. How weird it is that we fail to understand what happens within all of us but yet we experience that intense feeling. 

In your sweet soft voice, you asked me “how long you will be with me?”  I had given you a cheesy response and said, I will be with you as long as the sun, moon and stars continue to shine in the sky.

You closed your eyes and I read on your face that you were moved by my words. You leaned towards me and gave me a light peck on my cheek. May be that was a reward to my answer or may be that was an overflow of your love and emotions. But whatever, for me, that was a heavenly experience that no word can describe. The electric current of that kiss is still alive all over my body. I can still feel the same vibration by just its memory. 

All of sudden you stood up and held my hand and asked me “let’s go to the woods.” 

“To the woods? In this darkness? But where?” I had asked. 

“Wherever it might be, Bankali or may be Devghat.” 

“Are you religious, my love?”

“No way. Only that it would be easy for funeral if we die there.”

‘Then let’s go to Devghat.” 

“But why?” 

“Woods are cheaper there to burn the corpse.”

We laughed. 

The grip of your hand was so tight and the feeling of your touch and fragrance of your body was so alluring that I could not resist following you. I had no clue where you were leading me to but I continued following your image like an obedient child. Darkness ruled over the earth and it was getting intense as we grew further towards the woods. We lived in a cave. That was an unprecedented moment of my life—neither past, nor future. You took me to a heavenly place. Even the cities like Paris or Venice would look mundane in comparison to that place. There was no sorrow, hunger, ego, poverty or suffering, maybe this is what people call utopia. 

And pointing to the marvellous lighting all over, you declared, “let’s live here forever.” 

 “But my love, what we will do here?” I was amused. 

You took a Godly avatar, “leave all the earthly ambitions, ego, dreams and surrender to me. I will grant you all the happiness and pleasure possible in this earth. I will redeem you from all the sins of life and I will take you to the journey of immortality and eternity.”

“My love, this body and soul is all yours. I surrender to you in all the ways possible”. 

That happiness of redemption was immeasurable. I returned with unprecedented happiness and full of life. 

But since then I tried every way possible to reach you. I used all the means of modern information technology created to fulfil or compromise life, all forms of telecommunications and social media.

The experience of following you was so beautiful, maybe this is what people call a divine experience. But dear Nirlipta, was it only me who experienced that divinity of love? Were those vibrations and current of closeness only meant for me? Did that mean nothing to you?

I remember you used to say, “Your voice is sweet and full of love.” Not mine Nirlipta, it was your voice that was sweeter. I had imagined that voice will always be there to vibrate my heart and soul. I still remember, on the way back from that cave, sky was so pure and blue, beautiful melody of spring was there all the way through. I carried you through the green trees and we crossed many rivers holding each other’s hand. I still remember your last words, “We will go around the world just like this my love.”

But Dear Nirlipta, did you already start your journey without me? Or may be somewhere you are still preparing for the journey and maybe someday you will come like an angel and take me with you.

Published: 09-12-2018 07:47

User's Feedback

Click here for your comments

Comment via Facebook

Don't have facebook account? Use this form to comment