Print Edition - 2019-04-06  |  On Saturday

Impossible promises

  • Our comrades have either lost their minds or they have become too big for their boots because they have a majority in parliament
- Guffadi, Kathmandu

Apr 6, 2019-

Once again, our ‘greatest Commie party on Earth’ is making impossible promises. It would be easier to promise to send a Nepali person to Mars by the year 3000 than to set targets like achieving more than 10 percent economic growth and raising our per capita income to $1,600 in the next five years.

When Oli Ba was our Prime Monster the first time around, he promised us that we would all have cooking gas lines installed in our homes so we could forget about gas cylinders. This time, Oli Ba has promised us rails and ships from China and India, and that we will be making money when the rails connect Kerung to Kolkata. Let us do the math. If Melamchi has taken us more than 20 years and it is still not ready, then expect the railways and ships to arrive in our lands sometime in the next century.

How on Earth are we going to achieve 10 percent economic growth when our own netas and civil servants are hell-bent on extorting from both domestic and foreign investors? We are not China or India. These two chimekis invite foreigners to invest in their lands by offering them tax breaks and incentives. What do we offer? Nothing but a lot of red tape, and our civil servants create obstacles if the investors fail to give chiya kharcha to our chor hakim sahebs.

And when our hakim sahebs do not get the chiya kharcha then they are not able to pass on the cut to our netas. And when that happens, one does not get lucrative postings or promotions. Here in this land of ours, those who break the law seem to be rewarded with top government positions. Everything is for sale and if you have the dough to buy our civil servants and netas then you will get anything you want.

We hear that our businesshouses and lots of foreigners are only interested in opening cement factories in this country. In a decade, don’t be surprised if we have a cement factory in every neighbourhood, and if you think the air quality in our land is bad now, then just be ready to buy a durable gas mask and an oxygen tank on the side when you go out to buy vegetables.

Oli Ba tells us that we should be proud of his government because it wants to make Nepal peaceful and prosperous by restricting freedom of speech, peaceful assembly and other fundamental rights enshrined in the constitution.

I think our comrades have either lost their minds or they have become too big for their boots because they have a majority in parliament and they can get away with almost everything till the next federal elections. And our Madame President is only interested in cutting ribbons and making foreign trips, instead of telling our old crazy men to get their act right.

Oli Ba tells us that in the next five years, his government will be omitting the ‘L’ from the country’s LDC status. Yes, from ‘least developing country’, we will probably be an okay country by 2024. Who are we kidding?  This is the land where most of us barely make a thousand dollars a year while our netas and civil servants spend that amount on bideshi whiskey in less than a month. Our thulo mancheys love to ride around in gas-guzzling SUVs while our transport wallahs pack us like sardines into local buses and charge us whatever they like.

Look at our taxi wallahs. If you get a person to go on an official meter then he or she should receive a medal from the President. It’s hard to find an honest byapari these days. Well, it’s very hard to find an honest civil servant, cop or even clown these days. Our government is run by clowns who think this country is a big circus and we will pay anything and clap at every natak put on by our freeloaders.

We live in a land where we pay tens of billions of dollars to our chimekis to buy their stuff while we don’t even make a tenth of that in return. It’s time to save some money for the country and for all of us. I think our government should scrap its Visit Nepal 2020 project and instead come up with a ‘Save Nepal 2020’ campaign where we stop buying anything foreign for at least a year and save billions of dollars this coming year.

Yes, let us not buy expensive vehicles for a year. Let us not buy smartphones for a year. Let us not buy branded clothes for a year. Let us do some carpooling for a year. Make it mandatory for a person with a car to drive at least one other person to work or to another destination. The same should go for the bikewallah as well.

Ban all loans for private vehicles for a year and give loans to small businesses instead.  Support local farmers and products for a year and see if you like it or not. We are spending billions of dollars on apples and bananas, buffaloes and goats and much more. And ban all foreign travel for everyone—from our netas to common folks. Instead of spending thousands of dollars on vacations to Thailand and Singapore, let us spend a fraction of that on domestic tourist spots instead.

If our Finance Minister is really eager to help this country be self-reliant then he should first ban all bideshi whiskey so that even our contractors and fake VAT bill byaparis can save some money so that they don’t have to buy a truckload of Blue Label to gift to our netas. Yes, our civil servants and netas should send their kids to community schools and not to the UK, like our comrade Biplab does. Our netas should drink local chyaang instead of the local raksi from Scotland.

And the first person who will probably be suffering from withdrawal symptoms and go crazy when the Blue Label ban goes into effect will be our Emperor, who once was considered our savior to get rid of all the ‘old’ Nepal stuff but who turned himself into a Shree Aath Maharaja once he tasted the power of Baluwatar.

Our Emperor will be in Baluwatar again if Oli keeps his promises of playing musical chair. Let’s see how he does this time around. Till then, let us enjoy Oli Ba, who has now made Comical Ali from Baghdad look like a second-rate comedian. v

Guffadi is a grumpy old man who blogs at guffadi.blogspot.com. You may contact him at maguffadi@gmail.com

Published: 06-04-2019 10:48

User's Feedback

Click here for your comments

Comment via Facebook

Don't have facebook account? Use this form to comment